the sweetest disaster

laying all of your sweet memories — down down down down

i could be the sweetest disaster you will find

when all the world is around - you don’t know why

i could be the only disaster in your mind

running

on the outside

looking inside

wanting more

wondering

if he’s out there

never was there

settle the score

laying all of your sweet memories — down down down down

i could be the sweetest disaster you will find

when all the world is a round - you don’t know why

i could be the only disaster in your mind

keeping

all the time keep

while you deep sleep

pass on the dime

wanted

someone to find me

that’s right you were me

too straight for the line

laying all of your sweet memories — down down down down

i could be the sweetest disaster you will find

when all the world is a round - you don’t know why

i could be the only disaster in your mind

laying all of your sweet memories — down down down down

i could be the sweetest disaster you could find

when all the world is a round - you don’t know why

i could be the only disaster in your mind

i will be the biggest disaster for all time

i am now the only disaster and you're --- mine (mine mine mine)

-JRB 3.3.14

Internal warfare

Maybe I was like the rest

Taking and using for the gleam

It takes awhile to let a newbie catch her breath

With a smile like yours

Once a stride was set

I sought beyond the convention

Your glance speaks volumes

to those who take the time to translate.

For a moment you may have allowed yourself

To give in to what you most crave

It's an inward battle waged first by others

Ones that were at one time trusted.

Do you really want the real?

Yet having too much fun to take its grasp

Or are you serving penance

For past transgressions

Damn those who've taken your glimmer

only for you to replace it with cheaper glare.

Paint it over with half-truths and leather cuffs

Edged out those who care

I blame them for a portion

You blame them for a part

Well honestly you blame them for it all

But they’re never going to know it

And they won’t end this war.

They left it for you to want to wage alone.

A peer into a chasm that light's not seen for a score.

Is it too late to relight the pilot that's been neglected?

Let me trace your name on my skin

Show them you deserve it

It’s the simplest war game password

To blow them all away

But you won’t pull the pin.

A public short discord

Long haired and shallow eyed

Darting across the room

I've seen you before can't place it yet

Down the hall or in my tomb

Why do you only stare

Is the skirt a level enticingly so?

Grab up your bag and take the seat

Or am I your distant hoe?

Wall it up

Tear it down

I see my way

Through your crowd

Wall it up

Tear it away

I see my life

Come through a daze

What's next to write about a time

That passed like normal day

Exchange of looks and wondering ifs

But that's all you tend to say

The encounter ends no more a blink

A public short discord 

Change on the seat, this all there is

Well now who's the whore?

Wall it up

Tear it down

I see my way

Through your crowd

Wall it up

Tear it away

I see my life

Come through a daze

I see my life

So many ways

Stick Hit Heart

I have a problem
Concrete as day. He wouldn’t play

This part of me won’t fit the you

Come take the fall

Step closer near. Kicked out of gear

Heart hand in mine turned up and blue

Oh

Get to this problem

Be in there now.   Please tell me how

Hit sticks and tambourines make up your shout

Blocked from the love

It wants a try.  It’s do but why

And that’s just what this song’s about

Oh

Dear darling problem

I’m standing near.  Awaiting clear

Want what those others can’t live without

Do you know love

Well sure you do.  Forgot it’s true

And now you know what the song’s about

And now you know what the song’s about

I'm not.

I’m not sad – I’m just waiting.

Waiting for something I thought I had a thousand times over.

This seat isn’t as comfortable I once made it long ago when seconds seemed longer.

They flower quickly now.

I’m not happy – I’m just trained.

Showing others and myself the face I want to see.

It takes more energy than before as there is less fuel in the soul to charge it.

Fuel is scarcer these days.

I’m not crazy – at least I hope not.

Though craziness wouldn’t be too bad of a label.

That feeling would be familiar, as I’ve crossed that line many times before.

Repeatable newness might be welcomed.

I’m not sad – I’m just waiting.

And

waiting shouldn’t be like this.

be here

Pleasepleaseplease be with me here, now,

On the same level, on the same playing field

Step inside my world, my bubble

It is yours too

Without question without fear

Match me

Read my mind

Feel my breath

Just know

And be

Fully here with me

Now

Please

Red Art

This presence and tone have created a curio cabinet for me.

I sit inside, contently staring, listening.

Please, let this consistent rhythmic regaling continue on.

It reverberates brilliantly in here.

His mind is a beautiful cataclysmic paintball fest of theory

reason

passion

Imagination.

The timbrous tones sooth.

But this mind challenges my place.

I now notice my entrapment.

No friendly glasscutter to help me after.

Please let him notice my worth.

I can be more than the figurine in the collector's box.

So afraid that my pigment is fading. Damn lacquer.

Or is my contrapposto pose accurate enough to deserve merit?

Shifting my weight and stepping forward.

Putting my formed hand on the pane to reach for release.

*click*

Take me with you.

As he pulls me out of the glass womb

I feel real

I feel human

No longer wanting to just be from the mold I cast so long ago.

Onward we walk through nature's man-made abundance.

But will he be content with what I have to offer?

Will I challenge him as much as he does me?

Let us continue to discuss the red art and see.

inked

I got my first tattoo today. A wonderful experience. Thank you Damian from New York Adorned on 2nd Ave. He gave me exactly what I wanted. A shaded black star on my right wrist. Many meanings to me. It has been one of the best birthday presents I've ever received.

a haiku by request (describing my voice)

Dulcetly dazzling

Stronger with each passing year

Sing ye sweetly close

-April 29, 2010

Facing myself.

Kept at arm's length so I can breathe shallowly.

Missed smiles and charm because I'm not ready.

Rebounded well only to react swiftly, maybe too.

No requirement can I give or receive, expect or ignore.

The page of prose has turned.

Perhaps too quickly.

Alone as requested with no friendly smile but my own.

I've not smiled today.

The mirror looks back.

Hello lonely face.

Darkened artist

Sitting with toes exposed and sun drenched.

Watching my love darken in shadows and

place light where none was before.

He is the artist.

Might I be the muse?

Piano keys hammer away via techno sources.

I look at him if it inspires or detracts.

He is focused, as am I.

But on two different things.

Distances we conquer, heartache and all.

I am constantly thankful for the tie that keeps us bound.

He is home.

He is strength.

He is wonder.

Full of life. That is my love.

In-Between

What is it? that IT that is
Between love, lust and a mess
The new, the once was
The 'I've been here before but not in this way'-ness
The tried to define but failed
The reach for the list of other words not-so-often used.
The beat that cannot stop the sole-vibrating kick.
is that IT?

But oh so softly breaking through that yonder crack in the stone wall that was meticulously laid.
Someone get me a pick or a mace.
Well he just handed me his smile.
That'll do the trick.
Break on through to the other side of the palabra race.
Did I find IT? That easy definition?
Maybe it is the IT that cannot be defined.

Who wrote the book of lies that ironed out plans for love that eras have retracked?
Who said that IT was this, this or that?
Who forgot to teach the shades of gray to me and tell me it's okay to relish every pantone number?

IT doesn't have to be this way.
Check please in this search. There is better use of my rhyme.
My apologies,
For not following the starched journey this time.

because I'm not well versed to quote others

Laying in the unfamiliar bed, longing to be elsewhere
I came back to life this week
in the Elsewhere I never desired before
Full of nerves both yours and mine
Full of smiles both yours and mine

Quoted lines of beauty
I recognized others
Charmed and smitten with the new inspirer
that entered without warning.
The bell toll that chimed in my ears
radiating reverberations
to my core.

What song can a tired heart sing from years of silence?
A true one. A sweet one.
One song that can remind its carrier that music still exists.

Be strong tacit endings, don't just be along for the ride.
Sing out a soothing, tender, blossom-filled aria
And, then, calmly follow his lead.

Beck's Acoustic "Orphans"

I love this artist and I love this song. I love music! I would give all that I have to sing backup for an artist like Beck on just one song. The last "ahhs" remind me of every good fresh late 1970's folk song my parents played on our record player. Air to breathe...enjoy.

Modern Guilt Acoustic "Orphans" from Beck Hansen on Vimeo.

I believe

...that God lives between the notes of a dissident musical chord. He has never failed to show Himself within that harmonizing blend and that moment that takes you from one chord to the next. What a miracle. What a gift it would be to write the music that let's me find Him there. But thankfully, others can and have. And I cling to those songs, those chord progressions like life's air.

Maybe this is why I miss singing so much. Maybe this is where I worship. Not in the words that I sing and the meaning behind them; I've never really listened to lyrics much. But in the tones that I warble and hum. Ahhh, that is where my communion is taken and shared. And you can't sing it alone. You need more than one. Why I've always wanted to be the backup singer and not the lead. You can always be the lead without the backup, but not the other way around. I needed the other to find that deep pocket of meaning behind two, three, four notes that come together to become a prism of sound. Within, for me, the meaning of the soul. Three always sound best to me.

Who has a guitar I can borrow?

And who has a morsel of stick-to-it-tiveness to lend me? Thanks.

Wisely Broken (sitting at my desk)

Heartbroken - but not
in love - well with old heart
broken - but fixing
not waiting - with well wondering
dying - but why
for the love that broke my heart to wait
for the love that broke my heart to come
for the love that broke my heart to live

But why – trained in submission
my heart – will learn to live
teach by led example
ordinary lessons learned this way
interesting it all comes back to one
for the love that broke my heart to breathe
for the love that broke my heart to deny
for the love that broke my heart to fly

And in the end – as all good books
said to me by one by all by me
take this time to submerge in the deep
of the heart of the mind of the broken
and of the new
find me please
I’ll be open
I’ll be better
I’ll be palms out, eyes bright, heart wise.

Train of thought

[PHOTO: the view from my Buffalo hotel room tonight]

Sitting after a very LONG day in Buffalo in my hotel room (quite lovely actually with very attentive and attractive room service dudes) and I watch the last 30 minutes of "Ghost Town" with Ricky Gervais and I start bawling when he finally starts helping dead people make the one thing holding them to the living world right by communicating with their past loved ones. I guess it was the idea of connecting with love even beyond death.

I then start watching Entertainment Tonight and there is a lovely interview with Paul McCartney about the story behind the song "Let It Be." It was simply his mother helping him figure things out and just said to him "let it be." Such wonderful words to live by sometimes. The bawling continued...

Just thinking about the journey I've been on this past year and how far I've come. But also realizing how much further I have to go. Wanting love and family so deeply, but also not desperately seeking it out. Or really seeking it out at all. Not just yet. Just "letting it be." For now.

NYC - what is it about you?

Glory hallelurrrreh (thanks NeNe) - I am officially a resident of NYC!

Living where the $$$s used to flow, but security is tight.

Great building, great roommate, easy access to the Subway, moments to anywhere in Manhattan or Brooklyn. Amazing to finally experience what I knew I had been missing for so long living so close yet so far away.

I have spent so much time by myself this year. Just walking around either NYC or San Diego, roaming the aisles of stores, seeing theater or movies by myself. The more alone time I spend, the easier it has been to experience it, and enjoy it almost. I am starting to crave it. This photos was my view from the 2nd floor of the Union Square Whole Foods as I was eating lunch today. Please GOD, don't let me become the crazy cat lady that never leaves Manhattan! (Except - I have to leave NYC on almost a weekly basis for my job and I wouldn't have cats - just tons of bullies.) They like to snuggle. I miss my Ella so much.

Yesterday, I spent about 2 hours at the beautiful Apple Store in the Meatpacking District. And there I became the proud owner of a brand new MacBook Pro 13". I love it.

Mac just makes it so easy and pretty. I guess I will pay for ease and beauty. And I'm glad I didn't get the 15" - this is the PERFECT size for me - It can even fit in my purse! Girl alert Girl alert.

The last 2 weeks have allowed me to put my press agent hat back on for a bit. First, photo shoot for South Pacific and the second, well - I'll be able to blog about that a little more next week. Let's just say it was OOOmazing.

These are totally random paragraphs but I just wanted to take a moment to state my deep appreciation for my parents. I don't know how I could have gotten through this year so far without them. Just the daily "2 morn" texts from my mom, her heroic treks across the country to help me pack and let me cry on her shoulder; the amazing heart-to-heart talks with my dad and technical support - all of this has helped me remain functioning and I will be forever grateful. I pray that I will be able to show this kind of selfless love and support to someone else in my life one day. Thanks mom & dad.

Nothing more to say...

Today, I embarked on a new chapter in my life.

I am saddened about the step; it was one of the most difficult steps I have and hope to ever take. But now that the step has been taken, I am allowing myself to rejoice in the possibilities of the future.

Traditionally, we make our resolutions list on New Year's. Today, I choose to make a resolution list on the first day of my new life.

This year I resolve to...

1. Say 'yes" to every invitation possible.

2. Volunteer at least once a month.

3. Learn how to trust yourself again.

4. Take risks.

5. Find home, not where you are, but within yourself.

6. Reach out to friends much more.

7. Be the ringleader for happiness.

8. Learn to cook at least a week's worth of meals (that aren't pizza or pasta related).

9. Take more photographs.

10. Spend less on clothes and more on my savings plan.

11. Focus on living as green and without footprint as possible.

12. Keep painting. Because I like my paintings!

13. Find a way to perform again.

14. Write and finish the story.

15. Go and listen to more live music.

16. And in the great words of Mr. Larson - "No Day But Today"

With deep and sincere respect.

Verse 1 (from a sleepy commuter - aka me - on the F train)

I wonder if he's praying
Sitting on the subway bench busily alone
He's layered and darkened
Torn and ripped.
But I think he's praying the way I should be right now.

The lights fly by of stations past and he looks up, hands folded in somber solitude.
So serene and at peace.
Why can't I be at that peace place?

I listen to Beck's lyric of the Lord not forsaking me in my Mercedes Benz and sit here with DvF luggage wondering if a graphic pattern on fabric really defines a person.
Who taught me this ethic?

I want to blame the media, the fashion mags I've taken an addiction to due to travel.
Maybe it was the bubble I blew?
Maybe it was the joy I dulled?
Maybe it was the love I thought I had, didn't, yet wanted so much.

He has an army surplus backpack.
I used to carry one of those.
Proudly, in fact.

Praying man has stopped praying and relocated to another seat.
For no reason other than he felt like it.
I want to know what stop he's leaving me on for the sake of the piece.
I may be disappointed.