Darkened artist

Sitting with toes exposed and sun drenched.

Watching my love darken in shadows and

place light where none was before.

He is the artist.

Might I be the muse?

Piano keys hammer away via techno sources.

I look at him if it inspires or detracts.

He is focused, as am I.

But on two different things.

Distances we conquer, heartache and all.

I am constantly thankful for the tie that keeps us bound.

He is home.

He is strength.

He is wonder.

Full of life. That is my love.

In-Between

What is it? that IT that is
Between love, lust and a mess
The new, the once was
The 'I've been here before but not in this way'-ness
The tried to define but failed
The reach for the list of other words not-so-often used.
The beat that cannot stop the sole-vibrating kick.
is that IT?

But oh so softly breaking through that yonder crack in the stone wall that was meticulously laid.
Someone get me a pick or a mace.
Well he just handed me his smile.
That'll do the trick.
Break on through to the other side of the palabra race.
Did I find IT? That easy definition?
Maybe it is the IT that cannot be defined.

Who wrote the book of lies that ironed out plans for love that eras have retracked?
Who said that IT was this, this or that?
Who forgot to teach the shades of gray to me and tell me it's okay to relish every pantone number?

IT doesn't have to be this way.
Check please in this search. There is better use of my rhyme.
My apologies,
For not following the starched journey this time.

because I'm not well versed to quote others

Laying in the unfamiliar bed, longing to be elsewhere
I came back to life this week
in the Elsewhere I never desired before
Full of nerves both yours and mine
Full of smiles both yours and mine

Quoted lines of beauty
I recognized others
Charmed and smitten with the new inspirer
that entered without warning.
The bell toll that chimed in my ears
radiating reverberations
to my core.

What song can a tired heart sing from years of silence?
A true one. A sweet one.
One song that can remind its carrier that music still exists.

Be strong tacit endings, don't just be along for the ride.
Sing out a soothing, tender, blossom-filled aria
And, then, calmly follow his lead.

Beck's Acoustic "Orphans"

I love this artist and I love this song. I love music! I would give all that I have to sing backup for an artist like Beck on just one song. The last "ahhs" remind me of every good fresh late 1970's folk song my parents played on our record player. Air to breathe...enjoy.

Modern Guilt Acoustic "Orphans" from Beck Hansen on Vimeo.

I believe

...that God lives between the notes of a dissident musical chord. He has never failed to show Himself within that harmonizing blend and that moment that takes you from one chord to the next. What a miracle. What a gift it would be to write the music that let's me find Him there. But thankfully, others can and have. And I cling to those songs, those chord progressions like life's air.

Maybe this is why I miss singing so much. Maybe this is where I worship. Not in the words that I sing and the meaning behind them; I've never really listened to lyrics much. But in the tones that I warble and hum. Ahhh, that is where my communion is taken and shared. And you can't sing it alone. You need more than one. Why I've always wanted to be the backup singer and not the lead. You can always be the lead without the backup, but not the other way around. I needed the other to find that deep pocket of meaning behind two, three, four notes that come together to become a prism of sound. Within, for me, the meaning of the soul. Three always sound best to me.

Who has a guitar I can borrow?

And who has a morsel of stick-to-it-tiveness to lend me? Thanks.

Wisely Broken (sitting at my desk)

Heartbroken - but not
in love - well with old heart
broken - but fixing
not waiting - with well wondering
dying - but why
for the love that broke my heart to wait
for the love that broke my heart to come
for the love that broke my heart to live

But why – trained in submission
my heart – will learn to live
teach by led example
ordinary lessons learned this way
interesting it all comes back to one
for the love that broke my heart to breathe
for the love that broke my heart to deny
for the love that broke my heart to fly

And in the end – as all good books
said to me by one by all by me
take this time to submerge in the deep
of the heart of the mind of the broken
and of the new
find me please
I’ll be open
I’ll be better
I’ll be palms out, eyes bright, heart wise.

Train of thought

[PHOTO: the view from my Buffalo hotel room tonight]

Sitting after a very LONG day in Buffalo in my hotel room (quite lovely actually with very attentive and attractive room service dudes) and I watch the last 30 minutes of "Ghost Town" with Ricky Gervais and I start bawling when he finally starts helping dead people make the one thing holding them to the living world right by communicating with their past loved ones. I guess it was the idea of connecting with love even beyond death.

I then start watching Entertainment Tonight and there is a lovely interview with Paul McCartney about the story behind the song "Let It Be." It was simply his mother helping him figure things out and just said to him "let it be." Such wonderful words to live by sometimes. The bawling continued...

Just thinking about the journey I've been on this past year and how far I've come. But also realizing how much further I have to go. Wanting love and family so deeply, but also not desperately seeking it out. Or really seeking it out at all. Not just yet. Just "letting it be." For now.

NYC - what is it about you?

Glory hallelurrrreh (thanks NeNe) - I am officially a resident of NYC!

Living where the $$$s used to flow, but security is tight.

Great building, great roommate, easy access to the Subway, moments to anywhere in Manhattan or Brooklyn. Amazing to finally experience what I knew I had been missing for so long living so close yet so far away.

I have spent so much time by myself this year. Just walking around either NYC or San Diego, roaming the aisles of stores, seeing theater or movies by myself. The more alone time I spend, the easier it has been to experience it, and enjoy it almost. I am starting to crave it. This photos was my view from the 2nd floor of the Union Square Whole Foods as I was eating lunch today. Please GOD, don't let me become the crazy cat lady that never leaves Manhattan! (Except - I have to leave NYC on almost a weekly basis for my job and I wouldn't have cats - just tons of bullies.) They like to snuggle. I miss my Ella so much.

Yesterday, I spent about 2 hours at the beautiful Apple Store in the Meatpacking District. And there I became the proud owner of a brand new MacBook Pro 13". I love it.

Mac just makes it so easy and pretty. I guess I will pay for ease and beauty. And I'm glad I didn't get the 15" - this is the PERFECT size for me - It can even fit in my purse! Girl alert Girl alert.

The last 2 weeks have allowed me to put my press agent hat back on for a bit. First, photo shoot for South Pacific and the second, well - I'll be able to blog about that a little more next week. Let's just say it was OOOmazing.

These are totally random paragraphs but I just wanted to take a moment to state my deep appreciation for my parents. I don't know how I could have gotten through this year so far without them. Just the daily "2 morn" texts from my mom, her heroic treks across the country to help me pack and let me cry on her shoulder; the amazing heart-to-heart talks with my dad and technical support - all of this has helped me remain functioning and I will be forever grateful. I pray that I will be able to show this kind of selfless love and support to someone else in my life one day. Thanks mom & dad.

Nothing more to say...

Today, I embarked on a new chapter in my life.

I am saddened about the step; it was one of the most difficult steps I have and hope to ever take. But now that the step has been taken, I am allowing myself to rejoice in the possibilities of the future.

Traditionally, we make our resolutions list on New Year's. Today, I choose to make a resolution list on the first day of my new life.

This year I resolve to...

1. Say 'yes" to every invitation possible.

2. Volunteer at least once a month.

3. Learn how to trust yourself again.

4. Take risks.

5. Find home, not where you are, but within yourself.

6. Reach out to friends much more.

7. Be the ringleader for happiness.

8. Learn to cook at least a week's worth of meals (that aren't pizza or pasta related).

9. Take more photographs.

10. Spend less on clothes and more on my savings plan.

11. Focus on living as green and without footprint as possible.

12. Keep painting. Because I like my paintings!

13. Find a way to perform again.

14. Write and finish the story.

15. Go and listen to more live music.

16. And in the great words of Mr. Larson - "No Day But Today"

With deep and sincere respect.

Verse 1 (from a sleepy commuter - aka me - on the F train)

I wonder if he's praying
Sitting on the subway bench busily alone
He's layered and darkened
Torn and ripped.
But I think he's praying the way I should be right now.

The lights fly by of stations past and he looks up, hands folded in somber solitude.
So serene and at peace.
Why can't I be at that peace place?

I listen to Beck's lyric of the Lord not forsaking me in my Mercedes Benz and sit here with DvF luggage wondering if a graphic pattern on fabric really defines a person.
Who taught me this ethic?

I want to blame the media, the fashion mags I've taken an addiction to due to travel.
Maybe it was the bubble I blew?
Maybe it was the joy I dulled?
Maybe it was the love I thought I had, didn't, yet wanted so much.

He has an army surplus backpack.
I used to carry one of those.
Proudly, in fact.

Praying man has stopped praying and relocated to another seat.
For no reason other than he felt like it.
I want to know what stop he's leaving me on for the sake of the piece.
I may be disappointed.

shows and who knows?

And so we bring our 2009 annual Theatre League Conference to an end... let's recap shall we?

Shows seen:

GOD OF CARNAGE

Starring Jeff Daniels, Hope Davis, James Gandolfini & Marcia Gay Harden (oh my god - brilliant. one of my favorite theatrical experiences ever!)

ROCK OF AGES

Constantine was out the night I was there - and I should have had at least one friend with me and at least 2 drinks IN me.

EXIT THE KING

Starring Geoffrey Rush, Susan Sarrandon, Lauren Ambrose & Andrea Martin. I really enjoyed the performances. Mr. Rush's physical comedy was incredible. I was just so tired that night so 2.5 hours of Absurdist comedy was a little trying - not going to lie.

It was great seeing tons of your colleagues that you normally only get to speak to on the phone. And free food every once in awhile isn't to shabby either. And that was just Monday thru Thursday.

Friday - I was off to Orlando to open Jersey Boys at the Bob Carr PAC. I just love Florida. It is like California East (with a bit more humidity, oh and hurricane possibilities). It is always a delight to visit the road company too. Always fun reintroducing myself to everyone each time I go (because I go so infrequently). And apparently my hair changes so drastically that no one knows who I am. :) C'est la vie. I shall not stifle my folicle creativity for recognition!

After 5 hours of sleep - I was back up and out to NYC. Got to love me some JetBlue! There was a woman sitting next to me with a beautiful 3 month old baby who I got to hold for quite a bit of the flight as mama had to rearrange her stuff, pee, rearrange, buckle her belt, blah blah blah. Loved holding the baby though. It was a little too easy, she slepted the entire flight.

Spent the rest of the day in the city and busted out the camera a little bit. Here are a few shots from around town.

May in a nutshell so far.

Please stay hydrated

Hy hy hydrated. Hi!
I found out today that my dad was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. There are many reasons why but one to which I would like to dedicate this post: water. Put it in your BODY!

So many of us just don't drink enough water. Slowly these trendy aluminum bottles are popping up more often in the hands of NYC-ers. So hooray - people are starting to drink the stuff. And, yes, I do own my very own Siggy SIGG bottle. And the matching cleaning brush and fizzy tabs. But so many times, I still have to buy damn plastic bottles to refill it while I'm out and about.

Honestly, because I am a water freakazoid. If there is any little particle floating in my water, or it didn't come from a purified system, I won't drink it. Trust me, I can tell. Give me the "Pepsi challenge" of water - tap vs. bottled and I will tell you which is which every time.

I digress...

I can go throughout an entire day and not drink anything (well except for my daily cup o' joe). It's sad and scary since water is the most basic necessity besides air that we humans need.

My father had been replacing Gatorade as his water source for a long time. I replaced mine with soda for many years. Dr. Pepper to be exact. And I am slipping back towards my sugar-filled liquid calorie habit. But now, my dad's wake up call has served as one for me. I sit here with H2O in hand (chug) and son-of-a... I swear I just spilled it on my keyboard. Lord!

Million dollar idea... I would pop a quarter in the slot if there were "fill up your water bottles here" stations around town. Fiji? Poland Springs? Evian? Want to hire me to develop and market? I will be your biggest fan! I will "like" you on Facebook. A quarter a liter! FILL ME!

So drink your water, friends. Or I will come back as Little Orphan Annie's radio show host and change Ralphie's secret decoded message to something worst than "Ovaltine." BE SURE TO DRINK YOUR WATER. Yes - a crummy commercial. S.O.B.!

the first (of many?)

So I have now started a total of 3 websites/blogs with my name on them. Have I kept them up? nope. But I think it is high time that I commit to something fully in life. Maybe this is it? Nothing else seems to be sticking.

A little about moi: I'm a Cali girl that has stuck herself in Jersey/NYC for the past 7+ years. Have I converted? nope. Still a Cali girl. Please note the lack of fake boobs and blonde hair. They are real and the darker my hair is, the lighter my skin looks. Maybe it's a Snow White complex. Actually, a cashier at Lowe's in Mission Valley/San Diego asked me if I worked at Disneyland AS Snow White. I thought that was a pretty sweet compliment.

I work in the theater biz. I technically have all of my life when I first stepped on stage as a little dancing sailor in the dance routine "Bell Bottom Trousers" at the Prado in Balboa Park. Now, I've handled the press and marketing for some of my favorite (and I'm sure, yours too, heh) Broadway musicals. I've worked with an escaped convicted with a hefty tattoo on his chest, a recluse who likes music and has really bad skin problems, cowmen & farmers, beautiful people in Firenze, a delicate soul with sharp things on his fingers, a flower girl who wants to own a flower shop, and four dudes who came from the wrong side of the Jersey tracks.

More loves: bulldogs, spring, Hudson jeans, flip flops, the smell of rain on pavement, Beck, Moby, REM, Swiffer Dusters, Seventh Generation products, statues of Buddha, Peonies, the Pacific Ocean, my pillow, CYT, fauxhawks, tattoo arm sleeves (though I don't have one), Rock Band, hugs, sincerity, hearts on sleeves, gluten free food, asian female lit, the smell of euclyptus & lemon trees, mom's sugar cookies, Christmas time with the family & q-tips.

So here's to a real attempt to chronicle life, love, whatever tickles my fancy. We are just launching into the craziest week of the year - Theater League Conference week. Shows, meetings, bitching & moaning, alcohol, food, more shows, swag, more alcohol, Town Hall drama, alcohol, B'way star appearances, more alcohol and more alcohol. Please note that I don't drink more than a glass of wine at one sitting AND I have obstained from alcohol for about 2 months now.

On the show docket: God of Carnage, Rock of Ages, Exit the King and (maybe) Toxic Avenger. I'm trying to sneak Next to Normal in there too.

Here we go...